At one time in college I spent a couple weeks traveling to visit friends and on spring break. When I got back to my college home, I felt empty and lost. It didn't feel like home and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere but there. I was homesick and also suffering from wanderlust. I literally wanted to be anywhere but there. Looking back, I know there are reasons why I felt like that at the time. But what really stuck with me from that experience isn't really about me, it's about the people around me. And here's why:
I was driving aimlessly around the city late one night after I got back from my trip, feeling lost and alone even though I loved my college and had a bunch of great friends there. I called one of my best friends and told him how scared I was that someplace that meant so much to me suddenly didn't feel like home anymore. I was afraid that I was somehow doing something wrong and I didn't know how I was going to finish my time there because I just felt so helpless. After I finished crying and freaking out, the phone went silent for a minute. Then my friend said one sentence that has stuck in my head all these years since.
"Maybe you're not there for you anymore."
It was like a slap in the face from reality. I was being incredibly selfish and superficial, freaking out about my "problems" and lamenting about how terrible I was feeling even though I had so many things to be grateful for. After hanging up with my friend and thinking about that one simple sentence, the message really hit me. All the people I've met in my life who have shaped who I am, whether they are still near and dear to me or I no longer speak to them for whatever reason, were there for a purpose. Each of those people has played a role in my life, big or small, good or bad. And I've done the same for them. (I hope.)
I spent five years in college and I got to do a lot of really awesome stuff. I was one of the first volunteer tour guides on campus and I gave campus tours to prospective students all five years I attended UC. I loved sharing the school I love with people. I joined RallyCats, became a committee chair, executive-at-large, a Vice President of Internal Affairs, and eventually the first (and, to date, only) female president of the organization. I met some of my best friends, stayed up way too late, went to three football bowl games, saw the basketball team play in the NCAA tournament, laughed, cried, lived, loved, lost and learned along the way. But none of that would be possible without all the people in my life.
I think a lot of times we forget to thank the people that contribute to our lives, big and small. I don't tell my best friends enough how much I love them and how blessed I feel to have them in my life. I don't thank my parents enough for giving me all the opportunities I've had in my life and for sacrificing so much so I could have the best life they could give me. I don't thank my brother enough for constantly pushing me to be better, to think faster, to try harder and for always having my back, even if he didn't voice it. I don't thank my mentors for showing me how to be a better person and being such good role models for my life. Most of all, I don't thank God enough for everything in my life, especially the tough lessons I've had to learn the hard way but that I've grown immensely from.
When my friend said that one sentence, I don't know if he realized that four or five years later it would still resonate with me. Maybe he said the first thing that popped into his head or maybe he knew those words would make an impact on my life. Whatever the reason, they're still there. Over the last few years I've tried to remember that as I've lived my life. I realized that the rest of my time in Cincinnati probably wasn't about me, but about the people whose lives I was a part of. Without those last few years I wouldn't have gotten close to my brother's WIFE (my brother got married last weekend, by the way! EEE!) whom I feel extremely privileged and lucky to call one of my best friends in addition to my sister-in-law. There are several friends I wouldn't have been close to or even been friends with at all had I not stuck around, and I like to think I've impacted their lives, just like they've impacted mine.
I don't know where my heart's home is right now. I'm happy where I am but I think I could be happy in a number of places. I'm taking my life one day at a time to see where I end up, and I think that's okay for now. In the meantime, I want to use my time to impact other people the way I've been impacted by so many others. I love being involved with coaching soccer at the youth level and knowing that I'm becoming a part of those kids' lives. I don't think they realize just how much they mean to me, but it's been an amazing experience that I wouldn't have gotten to have if several factors in my life hadn't led me back to my hometown. I've recently volunteered to help out with the youth group at my church and I'm continuing my work as a church camp counselor. By taking a step back from myself, I've realized that I love working with kids and I think that's what I'm being called to do. Hopefully this will all work out for me, but if not I'll learn from it and get stronger and move on.
I don't think I've met anyone my age who 100% knows what they want to do forever or where they're meant to be or how everything in their life will pan out. The hardest part is learning to accept that and be okay with not knowing right now. In this age of instant knowledge and gratification with the technology we have I think we've all become selfish and impatient. Sometimes it's okay to be unsure and I intend to make the best of it by doing whatever makes me happy for as long as I can. Who knows where I'll be tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. I don't know if I have a lot of life left before me (I sure hope I do!) but I'm young and I want to make the best of every moment I have, whether I live until I'm 80 or not.
So here's to life and here's to you, all my friends, family and loved ones. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for whatever impact you've had on my life, big or small. My simple thanks will never be enough to really show my appreciation for what you've done in my life, but know that it matters to me. I hope I've impacted some of your lives even a fraction of how much you've meant to mine. Cheers.
