I have a degree in journalism. At my very core I am a writer. I love the English language, both spoken and written, but I especially love being able to write. Sometimes I speak without thinking and it gets me in trouble, but with writing I can edit and delete and pretend I never wrote something before I show it to someone. I can't make someone un-hear something I've said. Since I graduated last June I haven't written much and I'm chalking it up to a huge case of writer's block.
A lot has changed for me over the last year. Details aside, last year was the Millennium Force of rollercoasters in my life. (If you don't understand that reference, go to Cedar Point. Now.) Ups, downs, twists and turns..it had them all. Last fall I bought myself a beautiful new black, leather bound journal and I've opened it and stared at the first page so many times but I just can't start writing. I'm not sure why I haven't been able to write because I feel like I have a lot to say. I just don't think I know quite how to put everything into words just yet.
I've read over some of my old blogs and journals and I always start out so strong, so hopeful that this time I'll really stick with it. Obviously I never did. I had a Xanga in high school (yikes) that I laugh at because the things I worried about were so ridiculous and dramatic. I had a blog for a couple years in college where I whined a lot about boys (sorry, guys). I blogged about sports for a while. My handwritten journals range in topic from religion to boys to friends and everything in between.
Maybe my problem is that I don't have a niche. I love so many things. I'm a soccer coach and would gladly spend most of my weekends coaching soccer games during the day. I love to watch football, hockey and basketball. I also love to read, do crafts, sew and bake. Sometimes I listen to really loud pop music and dance like a crazy person. Sometimes I listen to quiet piano music and reflect on life. I don't want to write about one thing forever. I don't want to fit into a niche. And maybe that's why I struggle so much.
I don't know if this problem is just me, but I have a similar problem with being an adult and trying to figure out the rest of my life. I can't see myself doing one thing forever, with the exception of coaching soccer. Unfortunately, soccer coaches make about enough money to cover travel expenses each season so that's hardly a lifetime profession for now. I get bored easily. I like to change things up. I am extremely restless and I have the attention span of a toddler most of the time. But I'm also a creature of habit. I buy the same products over and over because that's what I know or what my mom used. I am afraid to try new hairstyles or clothes because I don't know if it will work. I'm pretty much a mess of a contradiction. I make no sense, even to myself.
At the end of the day though, I like who I am. I've grown a lot and I'm still learning every day. I'm happy with most of what life has given me. I have an amazing family with two parents who are pretty cool and I am really close to, even now. My brother drives me insane but we always have each other's back. My soon to be sister-in-law is one of my best friends. I have some of the best friends in the whole world who have stuck by me, even when I tried to hide from life and basically cut everyone out of my life for a few months. They can make me smile and laugh and tell me to stop pitying myself and move on when the time is right.
Maybe this blog will last, and maybe it won't. Maybe I'll post often, maybe I'll forget about it. I'm done trying to plan and predict for the future, because if life has taught me anything it's that you can plan for life all you want, but nothing ever works out exactly how you envisioned it. So let go, have some faith, and jump in with both feet because life is waiting and all the time you spend sitting around "planning" is time you're losing out on making memories.
Looks like my writer's block might be over.
Tiff
